Logic by ziggyme
My next Fanfic...
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Logic
A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Gotz happily chopped wood. It was what he did. Yep, chopping wood. He was quite similar to a wood chopper, hence, why he was one. But, as various people had learned, he was more than a simple woodcutter. Everyone knew that his mind could solve most problems. His current count was Jack: 47563, Duke:4 Chef: 19, Rick: 0. He was smart, but not smart enough to deal with Rick's, er, problems. This being the case, he was not much surprised when Harris waltzed in and told him that someone wanted to see him. This usually happened at least twice a week. And, again, he was not surprised when Jack walked in. He had gotten Jack out of problems before, this was nothing different. He made a mental note to eat fish the next day. Jack's problem's always involved him avoiding getting married. This being the case, he was surprised by Jack's first words.
"I have found the woman I love." Jack said, sheepishly.
Gotz was bowled over. He hadn't been prepared for this He stuck his finger in his ear to check that earwax wasn't interfering with his hearing. It wasn't. Jack had gone mad. Or had he. This would be interesting.
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Just thought I should let the suspense build! Great story by the way, Butter!
Well, if you ain't upgrading, I am.
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Logic
A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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"You, you found the woman you love?" Gotz asked, this was highly irregular from Jack's previous behavior, well, love may conquer all after all.
"Yes, and she loves me, or, at least I think so."
"Uh, why?"
"Well, she lives a bit away from town."
"How so?"
"Well, you see, she lives in, let's just say, a very moist place."
"Uh, Jack, what are you trying to say? Who have you been bedazzled by?"
"If I tell you you will laugh and say I'm setting my sights to high."
"No, er, maybe." Gotz said, not wanting to lie.
"Well, there's no easy way to say this, I want to marry the Harvest Goddess."
Jack was very good at guessing people's reactions, as Gotz told him that he had set his sights too high. But strangely, he didn't laugh.
"Jack, that might be sacriligious!"
"Really? I don't care! I'll go to hot places and back for her!"
"Does she qualify you as an existent being?"
"Er, well, no"
"Does she spite youur very existence?"
"Well, there's a chance that maybe she doesn't."
"Jack, this is a deity we are talking about here, not some other whore."
"I know." Jack said, sounding a bit defeated.
"I mean, this is a goddess, you can't toy with them, let alone woo them!"
"I know."
"I'm afraid I can't help you, it would be wrong, who am I to outwit a goddess?"
"What? But, you have always provided for me before!"
"Jack, this is even beyond my reach, I can't play god."
Jack walked away, seeming defeated. But he would get the Harvest Goddess, although she was playing hard to get. He was smart, some of his plans had worked before.
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I noticed a severe lack of deities in this, and be assured, I will get the Kappa involved.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
Next section and such, enjoy and such. I use my artistic license, and I hope I don't get it revoked.
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Logic
A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Jack had to win the Harvest Goddess's hand by himself. Well, he had heard something about sacrificing. Jack stumbled out of the pond an hour later a bit blustered. The following occurred:
Jack started out by throwing in a tomato, the Harvest Goddess came up as usual.
"Thanks for your offering." The HG said, bright and cheerful.
"..." Jack was nervous, he wasn't a professional at this. Figures, he gets engaged more times than he can count, and when he actually wants to get engaged, he gets cold feet.
"Aren't you going to say something?"
"..."
"Do you want to link up with a Gamecube or something?"
"..." Jack shook his head, as his mouth failed to function.
"Well you hade best get on your way, come anytime, I'll always enjoy your offerings.
Jack was happy, the HG liked his offering! He was ahppy, the kind ofoverhyped happiness that guys get when they are being stupid and lovesick about some little thing. But he needed to get over his speech problem. He went over to Kai, Kai could help him, he was great at speaking, well, relative to Jack, Carter still wouldn't let Kai in the church because of the incident.
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"Kai?"
"Oh, Jack! Come in!"
"I was wondering, how do you do it?"
"How do you mean?"
"How do you talk to women, and Popuri and stuff?"
"Jack, what is this about?"
Jack explained the situation with the Harvest Goddess. Kai nodded sympathetically. Jack had explained that it had nothing to do with Popuri.
"Well, the Harvest Goddess is very holy and such, maybe you have ethical problems subconsciously. You should clear it up with Carter."
And that is what Jack set out to do.
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Jack went into the church.
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Jack was thrown out of the church five seconds later, yes, exactly, Carter measures things well. Jack decided on a new approach, with that in mind, he rushed home.
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Jack was back, he strode into the church confidently.
"Give me your blessing to be with the Harvest Goddess."
"No, I've told you before that I don't want to, I don't believe you are a good suitor."
"Well, how about now." Jack said, pulling out a gun.
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DUN DUN DUN!!! What is Jack doing with a gun? The answer to that and lots more cheesy questions to keep you guessing in the next part! TO BE CONTINUED!!!
And so, it continues... I love anti- climatic stuff.
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Logic
A FOMT fanfic, by yours truly
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Jack had pulled a gun on Carter. Then he was tackled by Harris, who had been sitting in the pew.
"OK Jack, enough fooling come along."
And Jack was dragged to Harris's house.
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"Jack, why were you in the church trying to scare Carter?"
"Er,"
"Now, I'm afraid normally I'd have to press charges-"
"Stop! I'll shoot!" Jack said, whipping out his gun again.
Harris just leaned back, relaxed.
"I'll shoot! I will!"
"Jack, I think we both know that the only thing in that gun is water."
"Er,"
Jack explained the story to him. And why he was pushed to threaten Carter.
"Well, the gun is very convincing, but it still only has water, you probably freaked Carter out though. As such, I can't press charges as this is merely a prank gone wrong, but I don't think your speech impediment stems from ethical justifications, I'd have to go with asking Gotz. He won't outwit the Godess, but I'm sure he'll help with speech problems."
But Jack didn't need Gotz, he could do this on his own, or so he thought.
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Now Jack had heard that if the other party was in an embarressing situation, they would be easier to speak to, hence several bags of flour. Jack would sneak in, pour the flour into the pond at night, then run off and give a sacrifice in the morning. It would work perfectly. And so, he poured the flour in. He ran off, and prepared a tomato for sacrifice.
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Jack walked up to the spring whislting, this should work. He threw the tomato in. The Harvest Goddess came out. Much to Jack's surprise, she was completely clean. The Harvest Goddess thanked Jack for his offering then made several nasty comments on how she spent much of the night washing flour out from her hair, and if she ever found out who it was, well, she would do various painful things to them. Jack left, without saying a word. It was time to ask Gotz.
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TO BE CONTNUED!!!!
Yup, nice Butter, can't really say much, except you better keep it going.
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Logic
A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Not only do plots thicken, they twist!
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Jack found Gotz at the Kappa's pond. He kindly asked Gotz for help, Gotz simply looked pained as Jack explained the scenario.
"I can't hide it any longer, I have to come clean." Gotz said, much to Jack's confusion.
"What are you talking about Gotz, you have never hid anthing from anybody!"
"I have to confess."
And Jack was still confused.
"I have never been the one to supply answers. It has always been, been, sorry this is hard for me."
"Go on" Jack said, he was still confused.
"It has been the Kappa, everytime I have need for an answer I sacrifice a cucumber to the Kappa, he gives me a solution, which I carry out. That is how my solutions work, have you ever wondered why they were so intelligent? Deities are very smart Jack, because of the Kappa, I cannot help you."
"Did you run out of cucumbers? I mean, I have a couple and I can pitch a couple-"
"Jack, no, I have a stock of cucumbers. Kappa also wants to win the Harvest Goddess over. That is why I tried to make you change your mind, you are trying to outwit a deity. I'm afraid there isn't much I can do. But I don't think you can beat a deity. You are nothing but a farmer."
Jack simply walked away, this was something new. Gotz wasn't smart? Next he would find out that Star Lily Bandit Girl wasn't based on actual events! Which he did, after Harris explained the whole screenplay concept to him. He could beat the Kappa! He had bought into all that media hype which told him that if he believed in himself he could do great things. First he would need Carter's blessing, because he still couldn't speak to the Harvest Goddess. He had tried threats, they didn't work. Maybe if Jack did him a favor.
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Jack learned however that the favor was not very desirable. Carter had explained that the Goddess was getting a bit arrogant and he needed to keep her in line. Hence the bag of purple ink. Carter didn't want to do it, because ink would show up and he would instantly be blamed, but if he got Jack to do it, then Carter would be safe and Jack would be nailed. Jack was confused.
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