The Relative by Ziggyme

Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly.
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Jack had set up a nice life. After the, er, uh, "Fantasticorum" incident, he had been rather realized. Things had calmed down. He went into town and bought some seeds to plant and asked the sprites nicely to do some jobs around the farm. He visited Kai.
"Hi Kai, how are you doing?"
"Good, good."
"How are you and Popuri doing?"
"It was a bit testy at first, but then I realized that my biggest threat, i. e. Rick, was in jail. I'm going to spring the question on her tonight."
"Really, now? Well good luck."
"Thanks, I'll need it."
Jack ordered something to eat and ate and was on his way. He heard Rick shouting about how he didn't do anything, but he always did that. It was nothing special. He greeted the doc in the road, apparently he and Elli were doing fine. Although, not quite married yet. Then he returned to the grocery store to buy another basket. He saw a girl just kind of moping on the steps. Karen. Her boyfriend was in jail. Jack tried to cheer her up. He gave her a flower then reassured her that Harris was a very nice policeman and would probably release Rick soon. Karen thanked him for the effort but still looked distraught. Jack decided to return home.
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Jack got home. He noticed that his mail was here. He took it out and flipped through it, catalogs, catalogs, bills, letters for money. He decided to use it as kindling. Then he noticed a personal letter. It was written to him. Not this "current resident" That seemed to get all the mail. He opened it. Little did he know that that was one of the most devastating moments in his life.
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Build up the tension!

Various techniques of Torture: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly (Yes it is a sequel to "Are you saying I can dodge marriage?")
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Jack opened the letter, prepared to deal with a new years greeting or something. It was technically summer, but as he had learned, some people liked to procrastinate. He opened it, it read:

Dear Jack,
I am going to visit you. And such and so on and so forth and be prepared for my arrival. Of course, this is all relative to the current position of the tangent involving, but not limited to, the time-space continuum and other related terms, which by no means are related to the entire conspiracy of the revolution..
Will see you there.

Love (Although when I say love I am by no means going for that whole "unconditional" stuff which you can never, ever hold me to. I have it written out on a contract, so if you try I can and will soak you for millions),
Your Father (In the biological sense at least)

Jack panicked. The last time Jack's father was around was when he had to move out of Forget Valley, the townspeople hated him and blamed Jack for it. His dad was a cynic and a lawyer and a businessman. Those were never good things. Not to mention he often got into quarrels the sued for "obstruction of cynics." Jack went to the one man who had solved his problems last time. His name was Gotz. Jack ran there as fast as possible.
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Gotz turned to face Jack. "Well," He said, "You want me to get you out of something else?"
"Yes, if you don't mind."
Jack explained his dilemma.
"I'll sleep on it."
"WHAT?!?!?! My dad arrives tomorrow morning, you won't have time to sleep on it for it to work!"
"I'm sorry, but that is how solutions come to me."
"Fine."
Jack realized that he couldn't wait for Gotz, he had to take matters into his own hands.
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*Insert suspenseful music*

Well, here's more.
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Various torture techniques #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly.
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Jack hadn't thought of anything. His dad was coming, it was inevitable. Gotz was sleeping, and he always slept until 2 in the afternoon. Jack slowly walked up to the dock and waited for his dad's ship to come.
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Jack was waiting, he was bored. Then he heard a lot of shouting. He looked up to see a boat approaching. Then he noticed that the guy shouting was wearing a business suit and very dorky glasses, with oily hair. His dad was here.
-"But they can't hold me for this sort of thing because of the relative tangent which holds it all apart. And so, the money is obviously divided by the passengers but as I have proven it is also multiplied by the coefficient of the previous equation. So in conclusion, you actually owe me money for riding on your boat."
The dock guy just kinda looked on and shoveled out the cash, shaking his fist.
Jack sighed. his dad hadn't even landed and he already had a death threat.
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Jack's dad got off the boat.
"Hi, son. I just had the most interesting trip. Did you know you can charge people for breathing your air? I didn't think so, until today when I real-" Then Jack just kinda zoned out as his dad began rambling on about business stuff.
"Dad! I'm a farmer, not a business man, please, I thought you wanted to visit to see me and how I was doing and stuff."
"Oh yes, I'll explain the proportions to you as we go to your house."
Jack covered his ears the entire walk.
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Jack finally arrived home with his father. The good news was that they weren't killed. The bad news was they arrived back at five, when Zack was picking up.
"Hi Jack, who is this?"
"Uh, hi Zack, this is my father."
"Hello rampant steroid addict!"
"Uh, what did he just call me?"
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Just let it build...
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Onward with another Part!
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Various torture techniques #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Conflict
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"Dad? could you please not insult my friend?"
"Well, its not like those muscles are natural, eh? Obviously you must be on some kind of drug, because we both know for certain that you don't have the perseverance to just work your way through! I mean, I don't have muscles, but I'm honest about it! I don't hide it with drugs that will eventually kill me."
"Sir, would you please stop insulting me?"
"Oh yes? Running from a fight like the pansy that you are? Well that's REALLY going to work, especially when your steroids run out!"
"Why you little son of-"
Jack intervened before Zach could smash the **** out of his dad.
"Uh, my dad had a little too much beer on the ship. He does this when he is, uh,under the influence. Right dad?"
"Oh yes! Well that's a GOOD excuse ain't it? Pretending like you can't-"
"He is agreeing with me, he is quite irritable after too much drink."
"Oh well, sorry, but tell him to be more careful."
"Uh, I will."
And Zach walked off, conflict had been avoided, although narrowly.
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"So, son? Where should I sleep?"
"Well I didn't know you were coming, so I pulled out the couch so you could sleep-"
"Oh? you pulled out the couch for yourself so I could sleep in your bed? How nice."
Jack just kinda went with it.
"But dad?"
"Yes son?"
"The next time you see my friends, could you try to NOT insult them?"
"I'll try, I'll try."
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The next day
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Jack slept in until 6 AM. Tragically when he awoke, his father was nowhere to be seen. Jack panicked. He brushed his cows and sheep and fed all his animals. Then he went out in search of his dad. Unfortunately, he found him.
"So then, Jack was only 5 at the time, he thought that monkeys could teach him many things, so he stole the keys to the cag-" Jack had found his father. His father was telling Doug about the zoo incident. That wasn't good. The zoo incident was one of his most horrifying and embarrassing moments every. He tried to stall.
"Hi dad."
"Oh hi son."
"Hi Jack."
Then he ran out of things to say. And so, sheer improvisation took over.
"Uh, dad, remember , we have to be, uh, back at the , uh, house. Because of the important thing. Yeah, the REALLY IMPORTANT thing. It is REALLY important!"
"Really? I don't remember anything on my schedule?"
And so, Jack was stuck, he had to get his father away, but he didn't know his dad's schedule, and his dad's schedule was like a chimera, it would strike lethally when unexpected to do so. There were reasons Jack didn't like Business.
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And so it goes on...
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Jack had to get his dad away from Doug before he could tell the story which would mortify Jack and take away any self esteem or respect he had gained.
"You know dad, THE PLACE!!!"
"No son, I'm afraid I have no clue what you are talking about."
"It is IMPORTANT!!!!"
Jack began winking at his dad.
"No, sorry, no clue what you are talking about, anyway, Doug, as I was saying-"
"Dad! THE PLACE, with the IMPORTANT thing!!!"
Jack began winking again, then he pointed at his eye, winking, with his finger.
"Doug, I'm not sure, but I think my son may be trying to tell em something."
"Really? What's he doing?"
"He is winking at me and pointing at his eye that is winking, oh, and now he is starting to nudge me."
Jack had to think on his feet.
"DOUG QUICK! Run back to your house! I just remembered, because you and my dad were talking Ann thought she could get away with, er, adultery, yeah, with, er, the Gourmet Guy, yeah, him."
"Why that fat son of a *CENSORED*!!!"
And Doug ran home, maybe Jack was more capable than he thought. He would need to be. Getting his dad out of Mineral Town without major incident would require all his brain cells, and probably a bit more.
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Jack finally dragged his father home. He settled for bed.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"Could you please not insult my friends OR tell embarrassing stories about my childhood?"
"But that one about the zoo was so-"
"Please?"
"Alright, I'll try."
And Jack woke up, confident that his dad couldn't do anything bad with what he made him promise to do, or rather, not do. But, Jack found his dad gone when he woke up, and, although he was confident about his dad promising, he was still a bit worried.
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Jack found his dad. The circumstances were not promising however, his dad was talking to Karen, and Karen looked as though she had just gone to heaven, and then a bit. Jack began listening in on their conversation:
"Really? He feels that way about me?"
"Yes, although he is quite shy and was worried about refusal."
"Why, I'd never refuse Jack, he is such a calm, sweet guy. I wouldn't refuse to marry him."
"Great, so does the 27th work for you?"
"Sure"
But Jack didn't hear that last comment, he was already stiff with fear.
His dad however was not. He caught Jack.
"Hey son, I thought about what you said, so I thought that I should help you out, I got you hitched with Karen, I mean it was pretty obvious you being nice and all."
"But, I don't want to get married! I was just being friendly."
"Sure you were Romeo. The wedding is on the 27th, be ready and stuff."
Jack was frozen stiff. He needed Gotz. With that in mind, he ran to Gotz's cottage

Jack banged on the door. Then Harris came out.
"Hi Harris, where's Gotz?"
"Didn't he tell you? He went on a trek into the mines, he won't come out for a LONG time. He said he was going to find that teleport stone or die trying."
"But, but, but, but, but-"
"Jack, don't do a motorboat impression, he'll be back in a couple days."
"But a couple days will be to late!"
"Jack, I am sleep deprived and I am sick, and I am getting slightly annoyed, so leave and let me rest before I charge you for something incoherent."
Jack walked home and decided that this was a good time to panic.
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Whew! How will Jack survive without Gotz the miracle worker? I'll just leave you hanging with the cheesy line TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative, A FOMT fanfic, by yours truly.
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Jack panicked. Gotz was gone, there was no one to help him solve this problem. He had to somehow get Karen off his back and not get married. All without Gotz, the guy who had saved him last time. Well Jack was no idiot! He could beat Gotz at his own game. He would think of someway to fix this. Hopefully that was. He went with the first idea that went into his head. Tragically, it wasn't a very good one.
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"Hey, Kai?"
"Yeah Jack?"
"I need your help."
And so, Kai decided to help Jack with his plan. The plan was simple. Jack would spread bird feed all over himself and go over to Lillians. Then the chickens would eat the bird-feed and Jack would scatter some homemade ketchup over himself, making it look like the chickens attacked him. The wedding would at very least be put off, or better yet, canceled because of the injury.
And so, Kai gave Jack some leftover ketchup and Jack followed through.
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"Help, Lillian! Popuri! Help!"
Jack screamed as he lay on the ground, chickens all over him. He began spreading the ketchup.
"Jack? JACK!!! Off! Shoo, shoo!" Popuri shouted at the chickens as they slowly dispersed.
"Jack? Are you OK?"
"Yeah, er, I mean, OW! THE PAIN!!!"
"Oh, lets get you inside."
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Jack sat down.
"So, what happened?"
"Well, I was walking along and then the chickens attacked me, I don't know why."
"Well, its mighty strange I mean, they never attack anybody, I mean, they are just chickens for crying out-"
And Popuri cut herself off as the ketchup slowly dripped off Jack's shirt onto the ground, showing that there had been no wound at all.
"Er, hehe, I have a good explanation, and that's what counts, er, right?"
Poprui just stared at him.
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DUN DUN DUN!!!! TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly.
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Jack panicked. Yet, as he stared at Popuri, it was not a look of hatred, or loathing, or even surprise. He had seen that look before, except, the last time he had seen it, was when it came from Karen, when his dad told her about the wedding.
"Oh Jack! That's so sweet!"
"Er," Jack had been prepared for a temper tantrum, not a hug.
"I mean, I've heard about how shy you were, you must have devised this as a silly way to talk to me, right?"
Jack just went with it. It was better than being shouted at.
"Er, yeah, sure."
"Well, I love you to."
Jack wasn't ready for that.
"Mom, do we still have that Blue feather from last time?"
"Yes honey, its in the back."
"Well, I think its time to use it. Is the 27th good for you Jack?"
And before Jack could do anything,
"Good, it works for me too. Oh, we'll be so happy together." Popuri just sighed, in a dreamlike state.
"Well, er, I had best be going now."
"Oh yes, we have a lot of preparation to do."
"Uh, yeah, sure."
---
Jack decided that he needed to think ahead of time more often. And then, he was caught by his collar and pulled aside.
"So, that was what you really made the plan for, eh?"
"Kai?"
"Yes Jack, I don't take too kindly when you come o steal my girl and trick me into helping you!"
"Kai! It wasn't me! The plan honestly didn't work!"
"Sure, I bet you knew all about the Florence Nightingale effect, and how she would fall for you, head over heels, if she nursed you back to health. You worm!"
And then the frantic chasing started. Jack was a fast runner, but Kai seemed pretty fast too. The race went on.
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Let the tension build.

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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Jack ran from Kai. Kai was gaining. Then he had a sick twisted idea. He ran home, where his father was.
"Hi son, Hi Kai!"
"Er, Hi dad."
"Hi you father of a worm!"
Kai had run out of bad names without using explatives.
"Dad, please explain to Kai about the principle of compensation."
And so, Kai listened as Jack's dad talked. This went on for a while, and as Kai began getting drowsy, Jack snuck off. Listening to his dad had given him an idea. Jack ran to Thomas's house. He hoped this idea would work.
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"Thomas!"
"Yes Jack?"
"I need your help! I need a picture from the "Fantasticorum", except, with clothes."
"Er, I uh, I have never heard of it."
"Don't play dumb, do this or I tell the whole town about your little 'business.'"
That got Thomas going. He flipped through several, er, erotic, picture, and finally found one to suit Jack's taste.
"I had to look hard, but here's a lingerie shoot. Now, DON'T TELL ANYONE!!!"
"I won't I won't."
And Jack had his solution. He would show the girls the pictures and tell them Thomas set him up with his niece. Then they would understand and back off and he would live happily ever after. He went first to Karen.
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"Karen!" Jack cried, trying to fake tears. "Thomas, he betrothed me!"
Karen stared at him.
"Who?"
"This girl, the mayor has a niece and he wants me to marry her!"
"Well, that isn't very nice."
"Well, I don't have a choice, he threatened to expel me from Mineral Town!"
"Well, I'll fix that. you stay here Jack, I won't let the mayor get in the way of our special day. Don't worry about it. I'll fix it. I'll get the town together and we'll confront Thomas, he was getting a bit arrogant with his power anyway."
This wasn't what Jack had wanted. Why didn't his plans ever work? He would have to ask Carter whether the Harvest Goddess had a personally grudge against him.
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TO BE CONTINUED!!!
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He he, heres more
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Jack was struck quite suddenly with how this could all be solved. The Popuri part anyways. First things first. He needed to get Kai off his back.
"You worm! Get back here! I'm going to break several bones in your body by ripping off your leg and using it as a club, and when I finish that, I will take your rotten corpse and take your axe and mash you into er, something, er, uh, you know THAT SOFT STUFF! YEAH! I'LL SMASH YOU INTO THAT SOFT STUFF!"
Kai had obviously woken up from his lecture on liability insurance.
"Now Kai, I have a solution."
"You better."
And Jack had one. For, Jack knew that Popuri loved the children, and if Kai were to speak about something for school and educational purposes, Popuri would be pleased. Then that would set them off and they would be together again, and off Jack's back.
"Thanks Jack, maybe it was a misunderstanding. Oh, and your dad said something about ordering flowers for Karen, man, he must like younger women."
Jack however, he knew what the flowers meant. They would tie the knot. Karen would then never give up on him.
"Who is giving him these flowers?"
"Carter, he said something about how they were blessed."
Jack ran to the church with Kai, he would get to watch Kai's speech at very least.
"Oh, Jack? I've never spoken in public before."
Jack could've been knocked down with that thing that is very hard to be knocked down with.
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Kai's speech
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Kai stepped up to the podium, Carter said he would give the flowers to him after the speech. Jack had told Kai to speak about what he knew.
Kai stepped up.
"Er, hello."
The children stared at him. Kai was sweating it out already. On the plus side, Popuri was beaming at him. Kai just had to tell what he knew.
Carter nudged Kai.
"Maybe if you told them a story with a moral.'
"Er, yeah! OK, so see, one day I was walking down, and I saw a shop right? Yeah, it was, er, a shop. Anyway, I went in, and it said that there was a sale on beer, so I got some."
Carter began looking a bit nervous. Ditto with Jack.
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The main question being, how badly will Kai mess up?
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
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Hmm, a death threat here, blackmail there, and yours could easily top mine in everything.
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly.
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Kai went on, much to Carter's dismay. Then Kai had an idea, he pulled out a small bottle of whiskey and gulped it down, but he turned so as not to let the children see. That would lighten his spirits. However Jack saw, and he realized that as Kai turned back to speak, he was drunk. He hoped Carter wouldn't notice.
"Yeah, so anyway, there was a beer sale. And so, I thought to myself, why not? And so I got thirteen cartons., because I thought that might be lucky. So I did, and I had a binge and I drank it all. I got really drunk and I made a fool of myself. I crashed into walls and several women slapped me in the face for trying to kiss them." At this Popuri let out a yelp. "Anyway, the next time I binged, I decided to myself, thirteen is an unlucky number. So, I got fourteen instead. I drank it all in one night again. This time, all I did was vomit a bit and I eventually got laid with some nice lady." At this, Popuri stood up and left. Kai didn't notice. Jack was thankful, when he did, he might be closer related than he wanted to be to jelly.
"So, the moral of the story is: Don't buy thirteen cartons of beer, fourteen or twelve, not thirteen." Carter pretended this didn't happen.
"Er, Mr. Kai, why don't you tell something else, about how you can get rich and happy in life?"
Kai went wih it.
"Hey, have I ever told you guys about my three day stand at the whorehouse?"
And with that, Kai's speech was swiftly ended. Carter caught him by his shirt and threw him out of the church.
"The Harvest Goddess has not forgiven you!" Carter shouted, as Kai lay on the ground.
Jack asked for the flowers, quickly, as Kai was getting up. Carter handed them to him. Jack then began to run for it. But it was too late. Kai had gotten up. And he was angry at Jack. More than ever. He grabbed Jack by the collar and lifted him up by it. Kai didn't like to be the fool. Jack panicked. He offered Kai the flowers. It didn't work. Jack panicked.
"And after I beat you to that very soft thing, I am going to beat you again! And I am going to burn you and hurt you in every conceivable way until you WANT to be dead!" Kai shouted. It did little to lighten Jack's mood.
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TO BE CONTINUED!

It keeps coming!
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Jack was stuck. He was being held by Kai and he was making death threats. Then he had an idea. And this time, it worked.
"Kai, you do realize that I have the flu, don't you- AH AG ACHOO!!!!" And Jack sneezed all over Kai's face. Kai, instinctively hurled Jack towards wherever. Jack had gotten out of Kai's hands yes, but midair was usually a bad place to be. And he realized just how bad of a place it was as he broke through a Church window. And through the church window, was the sidewalk, and on the sidewalk, was Elli?
"Elli! Watch out!"
"Jack? WHAT!!!"
And Elli stepped back, just enough so that Jack didn't land on her. Instead he met the hard pavement. It hurt.
"Why Jack! You pulled this crazy stunt just to gain attention and give me these flowers? Why how sweet of you! You shouldn't have!"
She was right, Jack really shouldn't have. In his trip through the window, Jack had clutched those flowers because there was nothing else to hold onto. Now, Elli was holding them. Worst of all, she had that look. That look that had so many times gotten him in trouble. She looked as though she was going to tell Elli about him. Jack quickly said goodbye, and ran. He had a plan.
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Jack knew that Karen really liked Rick, and that Rick would not let Popuri marry so easily, he would get rid of two fronts by freeing him. His plans hadn't worked in the past, but the sneezing helped, that could lead to all sorts of good things. Maybe fifth time was the charm. He would sneak in, unlatch Rick's cage, and he would escape. But he would have to be careful, last time he tried to sneak into someplace, Harris had it rigged to pull him upside down by his feet. He would be careful. He just wouldn't put his foot in any nets or anything.
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Jack snuck in. He began creeping towards Rick's cell. He had made certain during the daytime that there was nothing on the floor. No nets, no loops, all was going according to plan. And then the net dropped from the ceiling and Harris woke up.
"Jack? What are you doing in my net?"
"Would you believe that Rick sent me to investigate how well guarded the town was?"
"Jack, that may have worked before, but now Rick is in jail, and you are lucky i didn't nail you as an accomplice."
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Sorry, I just love Jack being caught in some device and having to barter with Harris for his life.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
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Meh, you know about deus ex machina? I think I' have something similar, diabolus ex machina, just making the character's life worse.
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Jack was in a tight situation. He was trapped in a net. Just like last time. But he had been prepared for this day. He had taken a regular gold coin and sharpened the edges, so it would look like a knife. Now he just needed to get Harris out of the room.
"Hey, Harris, I have a very good reason for this, but it is rather complicated, it is written down on a piece of paper at my house."
"OK, I'll verify that."
Harris rushed off, it wasn't like Jack was going anywhere, or so he thought.
"Hey, Rick?"
"Yeah Jack?"
"I'll give you the keys if you get me out of here."
"Deal."
Jack reached for the keys and grabbed them, he handed them to Rick.
"Thanks" Rick said, as he rushed off.
"Hey! Aren't you going to free me?"
"No, I'd rather see you rot, as I here you are trying to marry my sister again, I'd beat you now but I don't want Harris to see me.
As soon as Rick left the room, Jack began fishing for that gold in his wallet. And suddenly he had a realization. He remembered the cut he had on his finger. He had cut his finger when he was handing gold to Kai to pay for his meal. He thought it had been rather odd, but now...
Jack was in trouble. Then he had an idea, it was degrading, but it might work. He began rubbing sticks together. He would burn this net off.
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Harris was still gone, Jack had got the fire going, he blew on it and fed it a couple more sticks. It was going. He moved some net toward it. The net began to burn. It worked! For once in his life Jack's plan had worked! Jack almost shouted as he went through the hole the fire had created, he was about to exit and leave, when he noticed he had forgotten to put the fire out. It had now engulfed the table, the chairs, and most of the floor. The net was in ashes. Jack had to get out of there. He tried to put the fire out, but he just got himself set on fire. He ran out the door, his shirt burning. It hurt, he ran through the streets of Mineral Town screaming in pain, with his shirt on fire.
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I'll just let you enjoy that picture.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
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Man, I come around and my fame is stolen! Well, time to fight for it!
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
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Could it be the end? Of course not, I'm not that bad at storytelling!
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Jack was running through the streets of Mineral Town waving his arms wildly and screaming at the top of his lungs. Oh yeah, his shirt was on fire too. Then Jeff happily put Jack out with a bucket of ketchup. Jeff explained that he didn't have any water.
"Jack, good news, Karen and I have come up with a solution."
"Wha? Er, yeah, the problem."
"We think you should kindly ask the mayor to step down, it is not in his jurisdiction."
"But he'll expel me from Mineral Town."
"Well, personally Jack, I don't like you hitting on my daughter, so, goodbye."
Jack was supposed to do something imaginary to eliminate an imaginary problem. He was puzzled. Of course, he had created the imaginary problem to get out of a real problem. He decided to stop thinking, it made his brain hurt. And then he met Harris.
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"Hi Jack!"
"Hi, er, Harris."
"I was originally going to throw you in the slammer, but I've decided to give you a new surprise."
Jack was frozen, he had this uncanny feeling that the solution would involve Harris's fist making an introduction to Jack's head.
"Because you tried to stop Rick from escaping when the jail burnt down, I'll let you off this time."
Jack was relieved.
"Oh yes, and that picture that the mayor gave you of his niece, I looked up the little URL on the bottom from where he printed it out, its a porn site. She must work in that business, of course, I'm afraid it is illicit, so when you see her tell her to quit and get a new job. I'm still trying to find the person who runs this place, but it won't be too hard. Nobody can mock the law in the way that foul scum can. Well, have a nice day."
Jack had frozen again. The investigation would inevitably lead to Thomas, and in the interrogation, Jack's name would come up, and when that happened, Jack would have no hope of ever living in Mineral Town ever again. He needed help, and the only person who could help him would be his father.
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"Jack?"
"Dad, I need your help."
And so, Jack's dad helped him, and was remotely useful.
"Well Jack, I can easily block the site from Harris ever entering it,with the federal jurisdiction pertaining the evidence of the unlikely event of recovery of the intangible presence. As for the rest, I'm sorry that I got you hooked up for it. But I have a plan to get you out of it. You see, the entire town likes children. If you were to, say, kick them when you got them bent over, all the girls would hate you and they would instantly untangle themselves from you in anyway, shape, or form."
"Really! Thanks dad!" And there was a touching father-son moment and all that bosh.
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Does my story actually have a happy moral to it?
TO BE CONTINUED!!!
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Yeah, basically, I never try to plumb the depths of business too often, ever since I found that guy with the, er, uh, Never mind. Jack's father is a businessman, as such he is in his own little world.
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly.
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You gotta beat up little kids sometimes.
---
Jack's dad had told him to beat small innocent wide-eyed children. Of course, the alternative was to have the entire town hate loathe and despise him. And bodily harm might make an appearance as well. Jack went with the lesser of the two evils. Jack set out for the church.
---
Karen, Elli and Popuri were at the church, that was good, they would be the first to see it. Stu came up to Jack.
"Hi Jack!"
"Hi Stu!"
"How are you?"
"Hey Stu, I think there is a penny on the ground."
Stu began looking for the penny, he couldn't see it.
"Maybe if you bent way, way over."
And that is what Stu did, his posterior in the perfect place for Jack. Jack went through. Stu slammed into the mud.
Carter happened to be walking by and shouted something about how the Harvest Goddess hadn't forgiven him. Jack was already cursed by the Harvest goddess, he didn't mind so much.
Then he realized that the girls weren't throwing tantrums or shouting at him. Something was wrong. Then Elli laughed out loud.
"Oh, Jack! Were you spying on me?"
"Er,"
"I mean, I've been complaining about how Stu needed a good kick, Jack, he has been misbehaving all week. I didn't know you cared THAT much!"
Karen and Popuri also agreed that what Stu needed was a good kick to the rump.
Jack went into the church and asked Carter if the Harvest Goddess could just smite him now and not draw it out.
---

I'm going to finish this either today or tomorrow, so, stay tuned and such!
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
---
Carter kicked Jack out, he said something about how the Harvest Goddess hadn't forgiven him. That had almost nothing to do with the whole smiting question. He decided that maybe work would take his mind off this. He began planting his seeds.
---
Jack felt accomplished. He had planted all of his seeds and had taken his mind off the dilemma entirely. He decided that this was a good time to turn in. He entered the house only to see Popuri, Karen and Elli. He had no clue why they were here. He panicked, should one of them even mention marriage, the whole thing would be lost.
Popuri was the first to speak.
"Hey Jack, I was just about to mention how we were about to get-"
"COUGH!! WHEEZE!!!" Jack interrupted.
"Yes, it seems to be something good, but don't worry the -" Elli said, before Jack had an encore.
" COUGH!! WHEEZE COUGH!!!!"
"Well, you two, I don't know what you are trying to say, but me and Jack we are like-"
"COUGH!!! WHEEZE!!!! COUGHCOUGHCOUGH!!!!!"
Jack couldn't keep this up forever, his throat was getting sore.
"Jack? You seem to be coming down with something, let me get you a cup of tea."
"No, Popuri, I'll do it, after all I am his fia-" Karen said, standing up.
"COUGH COUGH COUGH WHEEZ-" And Jack could no longer cough, his voice was gone, should one of them mention marriage, he had no way of avoiding it.
"Oh my Jack, you really seem to be coming down with something, but no worries, I'll help, after all, I am a nurse."
"Say," Karen said. "You guys never explained why you were here."
"Yeah, you didn't either."
"Well, I'll tell you why I'm here." Popuri said. "I'm here because Jack and I are planning to-"
---
Yeah, I'll let Jack hang off this cliff of his.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
---
Jack was in a difficult position, The girls were about to discover his unwilling polygamy, but let's ignore that for a second.
---
A bit before...
---
Kai heard the phone ringing.
"Hello? This is Kai, who is this?"
And a somewhat mysterious voice answered.
"Go to Jack's house!"
"Uh, what?"
"Go to Jack's house!"
"Why?"
"Go to Jack's house NOW!!!"
And Kai was then met with a click, the other end had hung up. He decided that it was in the realm of possibility that the voice might very well want him to go over to Jack's house. He decided to give it a shot.
---
Kai was walking to Jack's house. Then he saw the good doctor and Rick.
"Rick? Doc? What are you doing?"
"Well, I some odd voice over the telephone told me to go to Jack's house. I feel that he somehow implied that I should go there." The Doc said.
"Me too." Rick said.
And the threesome understood to some extent. They walked to Jack's house. When they got there, they saw through the window, Jack, and Popuri and Elli and Karen. They knocked on the door. Jack opened it up.
---
Jack tried to gasp in surprise, but his voice was out for the night. He tried to explain that this was all a misunderstanding. The Doc responded by cracking his knuckles.
"Come outside Jack, you have a bit of, explaining to do, then some, atonement." The Doc said, as they led Jack outside. Jack couldn't explain, so they decided to move on to the next step, atonement, but not mentally, physically.
Jack was about to receive the beating of his life.
---
I love diabolus ex machina! TO BE CONTINUED!!!!
---

And now, the conclusion
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly.
---
Jack was about to get the beating of his life. But this is one of my stories, so that isn't going to happen. But he still got the **** beat out of him, making this almost the beating of his life. The beating in question was when Jack accidental stumbled into four drunken soldiers with big metal clubs. Anyways Jack was beaten by Kai, Doc, and Rick. And it hurt quite a bit. Jack tried to shout things along the lines of "My leg!!" But he had lost his voice. And then Jack's dad came along.
"Hey, I can sue you for liability! I can create quite a bit of trouble in court for beating up my son. so stop NOW!" Jack's dad shouted. And it worked. The trio stopped beating Jack up. Instead, they turned on Jack's dad, lawyers weren't popular people. But Jack's dad had been ready for this day. He had bought one of those Nike shoes. He ran.
---
Five seconds later Jack's dad realized that Nike was an overhyped company as he fell to the ground and the violent trio descended on him. Jack just lay face down in the mud, happy that the trio had been averted onto someone else. Jack just lay there. He was happy nothing was broken.
---
Jack woke up the next morning. He was still in the mud. He went into his house and took a much-needed bath. All his problems had just grown bigger. He decided he should visit his dad in the hospital, where he undoubtedly was. Doc usually strained his temper on something then turned around to heal him. That was why he was a doctor.
---
"Well, yes, several ribs were broken and I have marks all over my body from the metal bats. My skull is dented and I'm going to get a lobotomy, but other than that, I'm fine."
"You're suing them for liability, huh?"
"Oh yes, you have learned well, my son. I'm going to soak them for millions."
"Dad, I'm going to ask a big favor."
"What's that?"
"Could you not?"
"WHAT!!!!!"
"Please, I mean, I want to stay in good relations."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO-ahg."
And Jack's dad ceased to be conscious. As Jack turned around, he saw Gotz.
"Gotz? What? How! I thought-"
"Yes, I solved your problem again. No thanks to you."
"Please explain."
---
But, of course I'm going to wait until next post to do that.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!

 will finish this tonight!
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Various torture techniques: #1 The Relative A FOMT Fanfic, by yours truly
---
THE NED!!!! er, END!!!!
---
Jack was puzzled.
"Gotz? You worked this out?"
"Yes, yes I did, it was one of my better schemes if I do say so myself."
"How?"
"Well, I came out of the mine after I ran out of leaves and I found you to be in another undesirable situation. My mind began working and I found a good way to get rid of your father. Although, by the time I had that, I had to start working on another plan. How to get you out of your father's dilemma."
"And?"
"Well, it took sometime. Eventually I decided that I should put all the girls in your house and call their respective fiancés. I knew that upon seeing you with their girls, they would proceed to try and beat you up. However, another part of my plan was putting your father in the same place. Knowing full well that he would draw the beating as all business men do, all you would have to endure was a couple stray punches and kicks. This being the case, your father would want to sue for liability, but he will find himself hard pressed because there is no court in this town. Discovering this, he will fear for his life and flee."
"But how does this solve the marriage issue?"
"After seeing their prospective partners fight for love, the women will pair up, thinking them to love them more than you. You will find yourself single again, and you will still have a good reputation. And as for Harris and his threat of finding out the Fantasticorum, I simply stole the page, put an 'e' at the end of the URL. Harris will think the site is down and will never realize the truth."
Jack's jaw hit the floor. Gotz was a genius in his eyes.
---
"Son?"
"Yes dad?"
"It think it was high time I left."
Jack was about to yelp for joy, but turned it into something a bit more polite.
"Oh? When?"
"Well, I thought I would party hard at this festival of yours, then leave."
Jack sighed, the festival was tomorrow. He assumed it would be easy to live through.
---
THE FESTIVAL!
---
Jack's dad was walking around, sipping his martini. Then he encountered Gourmet Guy.
"So, when's the baby?" Jack's dad said, to start the conversation.
"Er, what?"
"You are bearing a child, right?"
"Er, what?"
"Well, that extra weight can't be natural, I mean, you would have to be a human pig to get that much, so you must be bearing triplets or something, good luck with the children."
"But, I'm male." Gourmet shouted as he ran away crying.
Jack's dad thought that the tears must be attributed to allergies.
Jack decided to pretend his dad wasn't there. If he didn't look at him, maybe he would go away.
---
FIN!! THE END!!! FINISH!!!