Ziggyme's Zelda Story:

And here we go, with all due respect to N2G.
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Link, a LoZ Fanfic, by yours truly.
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Link had to go defeat Ganon. There really wasn't anymore to it than that, he had to go beat Ganon after beating his henchmen. He couldn't beat Ganon straight on because he needed some half-assed doodle toy to beat Ganon with, like a really shiny sword, sold at your local wAlmart for a little over 29.99. But, Link could never will himself in there. He had it narrowed down to either going on a long drawn out quest, which would allow the system to exploit its graphical potential, fight a couple thousand monsters, again to show graphical potential, and have some hear-breaking moment with a hot girl, to show that Nintendo was capable of brain power, and didn't, say, run around with plungers, or go to Walmart. He chose the former, the latter was too frightening for even him. He was some kind of warrior of the light. He didn't care. One look at that awful smiley of death, he would instantly be bewitched by its smile, and his long slow death would come upon him. Then he would have to face the old people inside. The would smile. Then he would lose it and break out a boomerang. But, he was going on a quest. For some reason, Ganon had somehow broken out of a prison those seven sages had told Link he couldn't break out of. But this was like, what? The seventh time? Yeah, unprovoked sequels liked to spring up everywhere. So, they had told him Ganon couldn't escape, but he did anyway. It wasn't like Link could fight someone other than Ganon. It would ruin the plothole. I mean, he had fought a coupe others, but those didn't do as well. Partially because Ganon is big, fat, and ugly, and he likes purple, and stuff. He was so used to the seven sages not being right about this sort of thing. Then they would let Zelda tell him, because they knew he couldn't turn down her. But she could only tell him AFTER he fought himself half-way across the map of the place. Otherwise it would seem unwarranted. So now he needed random stuff to get to a random place, to gte even more random stuff, but the more random the stuff got, the shinier it became. And he would have to fight a lot of people, just because the booklet told him to proclaim senseless violence. But he couldn't kill everything the same way. That would be predictable. He would have to be able to kill things with his sword, his boomerang, his arows, and occassionally, somehow, his hookshot. But it woudn't be violent enough to take away the 'E' rating that Nintendo so coveted. Walmart was starting to look tempting, even that awful yellow smile. He HAD just saved 15% on his car insurance by switching to geico. But, it hadn't really helped, partially because Epona felt neglected every single time he rode around in his BMW. So, eventually, he would eventually goad her back in, with a bunch of carrots. Partially because at the start of every game, for no readily apparent reason, he started out with nothing, not even his sword. Then he would get a wooden one, which somehow helped. He didn't think so, it gave him splinters. But, it was time to go. Someone had pressed the 'START' button. And with that, he began the incredibly lame-brained plot. Apparently someone had put his sprite into RPG maker. A sordid tale. But, one that he would tell anyways.
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TO BE CONTINUED! No suspense this time... I'm just bored. And, I got a bit annoyed with the four swords incident, a fun game, but plot-hole ridden.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop, booyah.
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Link, a LoZ Fanfic, by yours truly.
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Chapter 1: Breaking into random people's homes and hoping they have never heard of liable
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Link first had to figure how to defeat whatever boss was at the end of the scenario. He would obtain that by violating certain rights of other people.
"Er, hello."
"Hello, although you just broke down my door, I will ignore it and tell you everything I currently have heard about the Deku, so that you can go on some stupid quest, risking your life. But, you will inevitably win, because it is the first level, and first level, by very definition, are stuipdly easy."
Stupidly wasn't a word. Link would have said something, but they would just blame it on the translation, or Kerry, whatever.
"What the____? Wait a second..."
"Sorry, boy, you forget this is an 'E' rated game."
Link had been foiled again.
"Er, how do you defeat the boss at the end of the level?"
"Obviously you have to use a magic rod!"
Link had no clue why an old geezer would know something like that. He wanted to know, this was a really old guy, who was in the middle of a city, he never left. How the **** did he know how to defeat some random boss with a random item?
"Hey, uh, how do you know that?"
"I'm not allowed to tell you."
Link was getting angry. So, he turned to violence.
With a cry of fury, he screamed some really weird battle-cry, as he charged forward, and rolled at his opponent.
He went right through him. Link was a bit dazed. But, he was not one to give up. Quickly thinking, he planted a bomb, right under the geezer's feet. It exploded. Link fell backwards, wounded, he only had two hearts now. The geezer remained unharmed. Link was seriously ticked off. With another belligerent yell, he picked up a pot and threw it at the geezer, not looking to see if it hit, he did it again, until all the pots were gone. Nothing remained, except for a few rupees.
"Oh, you shouldn't bother, I'm an NPC, by very definition, invincible."
"I just trashed your house! You aren't even moving to stop me against it?"
"Well, also by definition, I'm not allowed to kill you, a sad tale."
"So... I could take all these rupees, and you couldn't do anything about it? I mean, I'd be taking your life's savings."
"Eh, these things have their advantages and disadvantages, one of theeeeeeeeeeeeeem being occasional spelling flaws."
Link wasn't quite sure if he hated this man, or liked him. But, free money was free money, he took the man's life savings. True to form, the geezer remained where he was standing. Now, on with his quest. He had successfully robbed a old man. He wondered what other great deeds he could accomplish.
He should buy himself a sword.

Chapter 2: Rules of Aquisition
Link walked into the nearest shop. It was dingy, and only held weapons, despite the fact that all the townspeople were pacifists. Not to mention their sheer lack of mobility. He saw some odd guy with a weird moustache.
"What would you like to buy?"
"Er, I'll take the sword."
"Ah, the wooden one, excellent choice, although, I can't gurantee any birds won't steal it."
"I'll take it anyways."
"Ok, give me five rupees."
"Er, I don't have a five, can I just give you this 200 one instead for change?"
"Sure." The moustached one got the sword down and gave it to Link.
"Enjoy!"
The moustached one slipped the 200 rupee into his apron.
"Er, my change?"
"What change?"
"I gave you a five, you should give me 195 back."
"No, this is my money now."
"What?"
"Ferengi Rule of Aquisition #1: Once you have their money, never give it back."
Link didn't need this. This shopkeep was a damn trekkie.
"Look, I'll put this simply, YOU ARE NOT A FERENGI!!!"
"I am in spirit."
Link had lost it. It was time for revenge. With a bloodcurdling dry of rage, he seized his new sword. He clicked the 'Z' button, and targeted the shopkeep. Then, he slashed away in a skillful and quick manner, yelling random things. Dust quickly picked up, and within moments, there was a huge cloud.
The shopkeep was still standing by the end.
Link made a grumbling noise.
"You're invincible too?"
"Yes, the first guy was supposed to tell you that."
"He did."
"Then why did you try it?"
"You made me angry."
"Well, I choose to abuse my powers, as long as the rupees stay on me, you can't touch them. I could insult your mother, you wouldn't be able to lift a finger against me."
Link walked out of the store, after hearing only one usage of "Jo momma".
The moustached one smiled, in the fact that while he might not be allowed to move, women could.
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Chapter 3: The great economic slowdown and Dot Com collapse
Link was not enjoying this quest, he hated RPG maker, Nintendo was so much better to him. He had a sword though, a crappy wooden one though it may be. And with that, he went onto his quest. Trying to see if he could get past that guy that said stuff much akin to "You're not allowed to go out without a shield." Man, this must be a lonely village. No one in this town sold shields. They might have economy issues. He noticed there weren't any travel agencies. Link feinted to the left, then darted forward to the right, that man was good. He blocked Link's every move. Now he had to find a shield. There had to be one somewhere in this town.
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TO BE CONTINUED!!!
Will Link find a shield?
DUN DUN DUN!!!!

Er... Mafia?
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Link, a LoZ Fanfic, by yours truly
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Chapter 4: A trash can lid, and its amazing exploits
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Link couldn't find a shield. This was partially due to the shield ban. He needed one, and fast. It was time to go on a quest. With that in mind, he headed towards the south part of town, because that is where all quests start. And, as he did that, there was a big block in his way. It was a blue block, with evil sumbols on it. It was there for no readily apparent reason.
"Uh, sir?" Link asked, pulling a passerby into it, but not literally, as NPCs aren't allowed to move.
"Yes, green cald one?"
"What the ____ am I supposed to do with this block?"
Link asked, not enjoying the 'E' label.
"Obviously you have to push it to reveal the switch underneath, so you can step on it and let it give you an item, DUH!"
Link was confused.
"But... wouldn't it already be pressed down, considering that there is a huge block on it?"
"Most would think that, but, remember... Realistic physics were not advertised."
Link was not enjoying this.
"So... I have to work and sweat, to push a random blue block out of the way, so I can push on a switch, which should have already BEEN pressed down, down? YOU PEOPLE HAVEN'T EVEN INVENTED SWITCHES!!!"
"Obviously, we are dealing with ancient civilizations which are much more advanced than we are, despite living 10,000 years ago, but we can't use their power, for no reason that would make sense to a main character."
"Tell you what, I'll push the block off, if you go away."
"I can't."
Link pushed the block off. And, sure enough, it revealed a switch. He pulled it. Nothing happened. He pulled harder. Still, nothing.
"You know, green guy, you might be considering why it might say "Push"."
Link pushed the button. He was so confused. Then a treasure chest dropped from the sky. It did nothing to explain everything. Well, he had gotten a treasure chest, so he opened it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, weird music played for 3 seconds, and text appeared out f nowhere saying:
Congratulations, you have a trash can lid! I decided to abuse you for no reason!

Link was not amused.
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See? No suspense.
Er...
WHAT WILLHE DO WITH THE TRASH CAN LID?

N2G, you know my feelings towards being predictable.
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Link, A LoZ Fanfic, by yours truly
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Chapter 5 (Or 6?): The spontaneously combusting wall, and related matters
Then, suddenly, Link had a trash can lid. It didn't follow. He had opened up a treasure chest, and he got a lid. He had sweated out tons of stuff, and now he had a lid. He tried to kill the the trash can lid, but it didn't work. Why the hell did he have a trash can lid? Maybe he could throw it at someone. He tried, he failed. Apparently he could only use it for some obscure purpose, like giving it to a mafia godfather, whose son is remotely related to his garbageman, who is inversely able to provide Link with the vital statistics as to how Nader lost the election. Why would he have a trash can lid? And then he found out, and he was not very happy about it. There was a sign that said: Throw lid here. After that, there was a mark on the wall. Link hated straightforward games. But, what choice did he have? He threw it. And, for no reason in particular, the wall had a huge hole in it now. Link didn't understand it, Link didn't get it, and for some reason, his lid was gone. Although he didn't like the lid, he would've thought he might have sold it on ebay, or something. And now, it was gone, for no reason at all. Apparently the lid had to sacrifice itself for a greater cause. Kinda like that porpoise in batman. But, the lid was dead and gone. He tried not to think about the entire idea of a lid being sentient, but it confused him, so he stopped. Ignorance was bliss. So, he should ignore the hole in the wall, and walk away as though nothing happened. But, the fact remained, there really wasn't much to do, aside from annoying NPCs. He walked through. What appeared was a really freakin' huge boulder , and it was rolling at him. There were two corridors, one facing him, and one to the right. But there was the boulder, and it was huge, and it looked like it hurt. Then, for no real reason, it turned to the right, and rolled that way. He watched it roll down that corridor, then it turned to the left. The thing must roll around in a circle. That was it. And the huge boulder came at him again, and turned to the right, again. He was confused. Well, he had to get that treasure chest, so, without much reason, he charged. Then he was squished by the rock. It hurt, and a good bit too. And, then, he was somehow alive. Theoretically that rock should have killed him. But, it didn't, Link was a bit thankful. This was an RPG, so, by very definition, there were almost no one hit kills. So he followed the rock this time, and got to the treasure chest. It was very complicated, and involved not charging into the rock, and, say, walking in a straight line. But he finally got there, and he found the treasure chest, which he opened.
What was inside was... The top of a cardboard box?
Another odd bit of music came on, accompanied by text:
Bet you wished you could have stuck with the lid for a shield, eh? Well, you get this, it will actually add to the damage you take, from cardboard poisoing.
Link was not amused.
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DUN DUN DUN!!!

And, so, finally, I get off my lazy ass, and I find out that I have hands all over again.
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Link, a LoZ Fanfic, by yours truly
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Link had a shield, that really wasn't a shield if you thought about it. With that in mind, he hurled it as far away as he could, now, on with that stupid quest. Then he remembered to go on with the stupid quest, he needed the shield. This was a no win scenario. He began looking for the shield, and he found it, five feet over the magical line where he wasn't supposed to gow tihout a shield. Link realized that the Seven Sages must have some sort of incredible grievance to try to take him out this way. Zelda must be mad at him. Why didn't he ever get in the title anyways? Zelda was always lying around on her butt, hoping to get rescued, and in some games she wasn't even there at all. Why couldn't they have named it the Legend of Link? Mario had gotten his name on the title. If he had his name on the title, he bet that there wouldn't be this magical line. Well, he decided he should give negotiation a shot.
"Look, can I just get by for a second to get my shield?"
"None shall pass without a shield to guard thee from the monsters."
"No, look, I need to pass you to GET a shield to guard me from the monsters."
"I can't allow you to risk your life doing that."
"Look, the shield is five feet behind you, I only need to reach out and grab it, then I can show it to you."
"I have no way of verifying your claim."
"You just need to bloody turn around!"
" Ah, but that would require me to stop blockade runners like you."
"Ok, so just how am I supposed to get a shield? It isn't like you could simply sell them to me?"
"Obviously you have to wait for some god or other to throw something at you."
Link had been somewhat religious, but he didn't think any deity was going to chuck things at him anytime soon.
Link hit him with his sword, and watched as it bounced off of him. Stupid NPC. Then he got an idea. NPCs by very definition were brainless dolts. Link decided to bend the rules.
"Oh, look I suddenly found a shield!" Link said, as he pretended there was a shield on his arm.
"Where?"
"Obviously, as you said, some deity chucked it at me, as such, it is magical and invisible."
"But I can't-"
"WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION THE GODS?"
The guard clammed up.
Link traipsed by, and on his way, he stabbed the 'shield' with his sword. He could finally get on with his quest.
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No good cliffhanger... DUN DUN DUN!!!
Then Link ahd an idea.

Must.. Keep... Topic... ALIVE!!!
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Link, a LoZ Fanfic, by yours truly
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Link had finally stepped out into the great beyond. It was rather pathetic and only 16 bit. This disappointed him. He left the ******* village, to find himself in an overworld with almost nothing to do. He was trying to have an adventure. He scrolled across the map to the east for a couple scenes. Where were the damn monsters? This was insane. He didn't need this. He finally gets out into the bloody overworld, and he has nothing to do. He considered suicide, but decided that he had had Subway for lunch, and that was supposed to help you somehow. He was leading a pointless existence.

He sat down. It was still boring. He found himself a nice 16 bit tree, and leaned against it, slowly closing his eyes...

Then, he finally saw his true enemy. Off in the distance, there was the first enemy ever faced in any respectable RPG. A slime. The easiest of prey. It always carried gold on its person for some uknown reason. Link unsheathed his sword, and prepared to do battle. He was about to take years of stress out on this thing. He targeted the foe, and with a whirling cry, rushed at his adversary. He let out a warrior-ish scream that seemed rather pathetic in retrospect. And he hit the slime hard, shattering its invisible bones, which had never been proven to be there in the first place! The slime recoiled, licking its invisible wounds, for this was still an 'E' rated game. Link needed a slash combo to finish off this bugger. He raised his sword, and rushed at it, when the slime bounced on him. Link had lost two out of three hearts. This was a slime, on steroids! Where had this thing gotten them? No matter! Link could take care of a druggy slime! He rolled backwards and did some really fancy kicking leg thing to get back up. Then he charged, ready to destroy his adversary!

3 seconds later, he was staring down at his body as he realized that he was dead. This was really pathetic. The first enemy he had faced, had kiled him. He slowly came to the realization. He had been killed by a ******* slime. And a druggy slime at that. His consciousness was slowly being transformed back into the zeroes and ones, whence it came. He was dead. What a pathetic tale he would tell to those in the Higher Place. But wait, he was digital, he would be reincarnated as something else. Later, those very zeroes and ones would be transferred to some other game character, life would go on. Link would be turned into something else. With his luck, it would be that fat plumber that always stole his glory. He had heard rumors that the programmer would make that sort of RPG. It would be up in the air. Of course, he might get lucky. He might get turned into, Peach or something. Link began having perverted thoughts, then he thought about the other hand. His mind began drifting to misfortune. He might be turned into a goomba.

And he was, five months later.
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And so, Link's tale is ended, and N2G's RPG must be better than that.
FIN! The End!
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Good luck, N2G!